Only Memories of Love Letters

Journal entry of a pregnant woman with insomnia.

Monday July 6, 2009

I can't sleep as usual.  So I turned on the T.V.  I ended up watching the movie The Jane Austen Book Club.  It was a decent movie.  Towards the end of the movie they talk about how in many of Jane Austen's books, she would have a profound letter written by one of the main characters.  It got me thinking of when Wolfy and I used to write letters to each other.  Letters in high school when all we seemed to write about was silly teenager things. Classes, parents, sports, and yada yada yada. I still loved getting them. It wasn't so much what the letters were about, but the fact that he actually took the time to write them. For years we would write letters back and forth to each other and every time I would always get butterflies before opening up an envelope from him.  We were apart so much we must have written hundreds of letters. Letters when I was in college, when he was in military boot camp, when he was in military schooling. I used to stalk the mail box wherever I was just waiting for a letter. I miss it.  Seeing his little man scribbles on the page. And no matter what random topic he was writing about he always ended the letter with something so romantic and loving that it just melted my heart. I never ever got tired of getting his letters. 

Unfortunately, staying in a house where there is completely no privacy, I realized some one had been snooping through my letter box. I wish I hadn't... but I decided to trash all my letters. It was so hard. All those letters.  All the things that he wrote to me. I had to rip up a letter one by one.  I made sure to read them all one more time before I did though. But of course my memory fails me and now I can't remember a single word from those letters.  I don't have a wonderful little box of memories to go back to. They were proof of how wonderful young love was. How much we had been through over the years. I only remember that they existed.  But just thinking back and knowing that they did exist, make me fall in love with Wolfy all over again. 

The Twilight Saga Made Me Want To Burst...

This was my last journal entry for the year 2008. Even though this is two months later than the last entry I posted, it still sounds much the same. 

Wednesday December 31, 2008
Something is wrong with me.  I feel like there is something inside me that wants to burst and I don't know how to free it.  It's making me antsy. So anxious that I thought that maybe writing in here would help me clear my head.  I haven't had the urge to write in here in a while. But now my hand is cramping up.

Funny how the date says New Year's Eve and I don't mention anything about the new year or the end of the year for that matter. 

Anyway besides those two depressing little journal entries, I remember 2008 for other things. In November 2008 I started reading the Twilight Saga Books by Stephenie Meyer. It may sound silly but I found myself falling in love with my husband even more. Wolfy and I are High School sweethearts. I was a head over heels in love teenager. That is what helped me relate to the love story of Edward and Bella. Needless to say, when Wolfy took care of the kids so I could read, he got lucky a little more often than usual. *wink, wink*

Which is why I had to laugh when I read " I feel like there is something inside me that wants to burst" and looked at the date. Because I didn't know it at the time, but I was pregnant! If you think that is funny, I was pregnant with twins! Talk about something inside of me wanting to burst out...lol.   

I Once Was Lost, But Now...

...Who am I kidding, in a way I will always be a little lost.  However now I am thinking and acting like a different person.  Crazy how things have changed since I wrote this in one of my journals.

October 20, 2008 1:43 am
Have you ever felt like you were at a crossroads in your life and you don't know what the hell is going on? I feel like change is coming. Either I need change or things will change for me.  I don't know what the heck I'm doing. What am I missing? Am I missing something? I just can't get it.  I can be very intuitive when it comes to other people, but I'm a frickin' mess in my own head. What am I doing? Lately I've just made such horrible choices and it's only because I've knowingly been stupid or just plain lazy.  My misfortune is a direct effect of my laziness or air headed-ness lately. What is wrong with me? I don't know. I wish I knew. Is it church? Do I need to go to church more?  I'm sure I need more God in my life. Is it work? Am I not working enough?  I'm exhausted every day, but I feel like I'm not doing anything worthwhile. Is it my weight? But of course that's one thing but not the only thing. What is it!?! I'm going to drive myself crazy thinking. 

Rereading this I think I sound like a teenager instead of a grown woman with 3 kids.  Or if you didn't know me (or haven't read my posts about my hubby "Wolfy"), it sounds like I was in an unhappy marriage. LOL! Sorry to say this story is not that juicy. It's weird though how I couldn't get myself out of this funk. But from the thoughts in my head onto the paper, it's obvious I was very negative towards myself.  But these past couple of years have been years of change for me. Changing my attitude.  And I didn't even know I was doing it.  God sure does work in mysterious ways. 

Les Miserables 2012

All I need to say about this movie is, GO SEE IT! It is worth it, and hands down the best movie I have EVER seen.  Yes I did say "Best Movie I've Ever Seen".  I realize that is a huge statement, but I'm okay with it.  Even if I didn't love musicals I would have loved this movie for the story, the acting, and the music.  If you watch anything new to end the year, watch Les Miserables the Movie Musical.  

The Invitation - Oriah

The Invitation ~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer
	It doesn't interest me what you do for a living I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dreams for the adventure of being alive. It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon... I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful be realistic to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes." It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children. It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. © 1995 by Oriah House, From "Dreams Of Desire" Published by Mountain Dreaming, 300 Coxwell Avenue, Box 22546, Toronto, Ontario, Canada  from- http://www.inspirationpeak.com/poetry/theinvitation.html

This is My Happy Place

Aahh, this is my happy place.  Reading Blogs that I love, fresh coffee in the mug, and even a homemade oatmeal cookie.  I miss this.  

I'm a complex person.  I have more than just one side to me.  I love being a mother and a homemaker.  But the athlete in me needs some time to play too.  No, I'm not actually playing volleyball anymore, but I coach.  So I've been off the Blog for months now.  My season is over, so I get time to do the little things.  Bust mostly I've missed baking, blogging, and reading.  I've been doing a lot of reading, just not any of the hoards of books I have stacked up in my bookcase and my closet.  I appreciate these little things much more when I haven't had the time or energy to do them.  

But I won't have the time for long.  I'm coaching another season this coming January.  I was a bit scared to take on boys team, and to take on another season of busy-ness in my home.  Especially after dropping the ball with some of the things I was suppose to remember to do for my kids. That was a low point for me.  My kids are first and foremost my priority.  So when I forgot to sign my kids up for free tutoring because I missed the deadline. I then proceeded to sit in my car and cry.  

The day before I had just been offered a coaching position and I was on cloud nine.  But I dropped down pretty quick when I realized I am slacking off in the Mommy department.  I even contemplated NOT taking the job at all.  I was making all kinds of excuses to stay home and do the easy thing.  Just be a stay at home mom.  But, I realized it was my fear talking.  And a little bit of laziness too.  This coming season will require a lot more out of me.  Better organization in the dinner department, homework with the kids, and house cleaning duties.  Not to mention potty training the twins.  And none of this includes the time I have to put in for volleyball.  Planning practice, actual practice, and admin duties.  This scares me.  I'm not the type of person who likes being busy.  I'm naturally chill and laid back, so this scares me.  

But...

My two older kids love me coaching.  They come to my practices and games and they love it.  They meet my team and they love it.  They hit the balls over the net and they have a ball.  They watch me coach and just smile.  

I'm scared.  I don't want to be this busy Mom that drops the ball on her kids.  But I also love it when my daughter sees me doing something that I love.  I want my son to see me speaking in front of groups of people and know that someday he can do the same without being so nervous.  I want them to hear me yelling at my team "Don't give up!" and know that I don't just say these things to them.  But mostly I want them to be proud of me.  

The thing is, at this age, my kids are always proud of me.  So, I'll enjoy it while it lasts.  Teenage years have not invaded my home yet.  Wish me luck, and as always prayers are always appreciated. 

Sleep escapes me...

Another Youtube night.  And No, if you're wondering, I have no life.  And I'm really okay with that.  

Meet Melanie a stay at home mum from somewhere in the UK. This is her audition for XFactor UK 2012.  When I watched this I thought of all the Mothers out there.  The kind that are willing to sacrifice everything for their children.  Even if it meant putting a God given talent on the back burner.  Because when we have children, nothing in the world seems more important than living for them. Check out what Melanie has been hiding. 

Coach John Wooden is my coaching idol.  He is everything I ever want to be as a coach.  Not because of his success but for the kind of man he was.  Hands down the best coach EVER, in my opinion. 

If you know who Joel Osteen is you know that people either like him or they think he is absolutely cookoo.  I actually think both.  I like his message most of the time, but I do think he's a little weird. If you are married, and have some time, you should listen to this really long excerpt (28 min audio only) from one of his sermons on love between a husband and wife.  It's funny, awkward, and a little controversial(sex talk from a Pastor lol).  I don't agree with all of it, but I do have to admit it gave me a lot to think about.