Friday, January 18, 2013

Only Memories of Love Letters

Journal entry of a pregnant woman with insomnia.

Monday July 6, 2009
I can't sleep as usual.  So I turned on the T.V.  I ended up watching the movie The Jane Austen Book Club.  It was a decent movie.  Towards the end of the movie they talk about how in many of Jane Austen's books, she would have a profound letter written by one of the main characters.  It got me thinking of when Wolfy and I used to write letters to each other.  Letters in high school when all we seemed to write about was silly teenager things. Classes, parents, sports, and yada yada yada. I still loved getting them. It wasn't so much what the letters were about, but the fact that he actually took the time to write them. For years we would write letters back and forth to each other and every time I would always get butterflies before opening up an envelope from him.  We were apart so much we must have written hundreds of letters. Letters when I was in college, when he was in military boot camp, when he was in military schooling. I used to stalk the mail box wherever I was just waiting for a letter. I miss it.  Seeing his little man scribbles on the page. And no matter what random topic he was writing about he always ended the letter with something so romantic and loving that it just melted my heart. I never ever got tired of getting his letters. 

Unfortunately, staying in a house where there is completely no privacy, I realized some one had been snooping through my letter box. I wish I hadn't... but I decided to trash all my letters. It was so hard. All those letters.  All the things that he wrote to me. I had to rip up a letter one by one.  I made sure to read them all one more time before I did though. But of course my memory fails me and now I can't remember a single word from those letters.  I don't have a wonderful little box of memories to go back to. They were proof of how wonderful young love was. How much we had been through over the years. I only remember that they existed.  But just thinking back and knowing that they did exist, make me fall in love with Wolfy all over again. 

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The Twilight Saga Made Me Want To Burst...

This was my last journal entry for the year 2008. Even though this is two months later than the last entry I posted, it still sounds much the same. 

Wednesday December 31, 2008

Something is wrong with me.  I feel like there is something inside me that wants to burst and I don't know how to free it.  It's making me antsy. So anxious that I thought that maybe writing in here would help me clear my head.  I haven't had the urge to write in here in a while. But now my hand is cramping up.

Funny how the date says New Year's Eve and I don't mention anything about the new year or the end of the year for that matter. 

Anyway besides those two depressing little journal entries, I remember 2008 for other things. In November 2008 I started reading the Twilight Saga Books by Stephenie Meyer. It may sound silly but I found myself falling in love with my husband even more. Wolfy and I are High School sweethearts. I was a head over heels in love teenager. That is what helped me relate to the love story of Edward and Bella. Needless to say, when Wolfy took care of the kids so I could read, he got lucky a little more often than usual. *wink, wink*

Which is why I had to laugh when I read " I feel like there is something inside me that wants to burst" and looked at the date. Because I didn't know it at the time, but I was pregnant! If you think that is funny, I was pregnant with twins! Talk about something inside of me wanting to burst   

Monday, January 14, 2013

I Once Was Lost, But Now...

...Who am I kidding, in a way I will always be a little lost.  However now I am thinking and acting like a different person.  Crazy how things have changed since I wrote this in one of my journals.

October 20, 2008 1:43 am
Have you ever felt like you were at a crossroads in your life and you don't know what the hell is going on? I feel like change is coming. Either I need change or things will change for me.  I don't know what the heck I'm doing. What am I missing? Am I missing something? I just can't get it.  I can be very intuitive when it comes to other people, but I'm a frickin' mess in my own head. What am I doing? Lately I've just made such horrible choices and it's only because I've knowingly been stupid or just plain lazy.  My misfortune is a direct effect of my laziness or air headed-ness lately. What is wrong with me? I don't know. I wish I knew. Is it church? Do I need to go to church more?  I'm sure I need more God in my life. Is it work? Am I not working enough?  I'm exhausted every day, but I feel like I'm not doing anything worthwhile. Is it my weight? But of course that's one thing but not the only thing. What is it!?! I'm going to drive myself crazy thinking. 

Rereading this I think I sound like a teenager instead of a grown woman with 3 kids.  Or if you didn't know me (or haven't read my posts about my hubby "Wolfy"), it sounds like I was in an unhappy marriage. LOL! Sorry to say this story is not that juicy. It's weird though how I couldn't get myself out of this funk. But from the thoughts in my head onto the paper, it's obvious I was very negative towards myself.  But these past couple of years have been years of change for me. Changing my attitude.  And I didn't even know I was doing it.  God sure does work in mysterious ways.