Monday, January 14, 2013

I Once Was Lost, But Now...

...Who am I kidding, in a way I will always be a little lost.  However now I am thinking and acting like a different person.  Crazy how things have changed since I wrote this in one of my journals.

October 20, 2008 1:43 am
Have you ever felt like you were at a crossroads in your life and you don't know what the hell is going on? I feel like change is coming. Either I need change or things will change for me.  I don't know what the heck I'm doing. What am I missing? Am I missing something? I just can't get it.  I can be very intuitive when it comes to other people, but I'm a frickin' mess in my own head. What am I doing? Lately I've just made such horrible choices and it's only because I've knowingly been stupid or just plain lazy.  My misfortune is a direct effect of my laziness or air headed-ness lately. What is wrong with me? I don't know. I wish I knew. Is it church? Do I need to go to church more?  I'm sure I need more God in my life. Is it work? Am I not working enough?  I'm exhausted every day, but I feel like I'm not doing anything worthwhile. Is it my weight? But of course that's one thing but not the only thing. What is it!?! I'm going to drive myself crazy thinking. 

Rereading this I think I sound like a teenager instead of a grown woman with 3 kids.  Or if you didn't know me (or haven't read my posts about my hubby "Wolfy"), it sounds like I was in an unhappy marriage. LOL! Sorry to say this story is not that juicy. It's weird though how I couldn't get myself out of this funk. But from the thoughts in my head onto the paper, it's obvious I was very negative towards myself.  But these past couple of years have been years of change for me. Changing my attitude.  And I didn't even know I was doing it.  God sure does work in mysterious ways. 

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