50 shades of ...No Thank You

My random ranting during my reading of the first book of the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy.
BIG TIME SPOILER ALERTS!


Americans don't say "cinemas" we go to the movies.

Who lives in the Pacific Northwest and hates coffee?! 

Drunk dialing. hehe Whoa, Christian is cookoo!

Red Room of Pain - Not my cup of Twinings tea

Ironic that his name is "Christian"


Christian Grey is a sick man with too much money.  
Control Freak, Sex Addict, Kinky freak! 
More like 80 shades of effed up. 


Did there really have to be a whole chapter dedicated to the submissive contract? I didn't even read it.  
Skipping over until the contract is done.

Ana's inner goddess/devil vs. her subconscious was really annoying. Inner goddess dialogue and updates start getting unnecessary and then completely annoying. No use for them

Twilight regurgitation of "do I dazzle you" dialogue 

So many women swooning over this man.  In reality wouldn't their relationship be considered an abusive relationship? Christian wanting Ana to be submissive, using sex to distract her from her real feelings, unnecessary gifts, and speaking to her so disrespectfully. 
His mood swings. 
Anna is scared of him when he's angry.  
All this "you are mine" possessive language. Okay Smeagol she's your Precious, we get it. 
As soon as sex is over it's like he's done with a business transaction. 
And obviously his need to punish her with a hiding/spanking if she angered him.
Swoon?  I think Not! 

Too much Holy Cow! Holy Shit! Holy (fill in the blank) every other paragraph almost.

And yet somebody please tell the author to put the Thesaurus down!

I just can't get over how Christian is so demeaning!

Ana knows in her head and in her heart that she shouldn't be with him, but she folds so easily. So weak!

Christian is like a sex robot. "I'm going to f*** you now." (robotic voice)

I keep thinking "what an A hole" when Christian is talking in the Red Room for the first time w/ Ana.
I get the heebie geebies when she describes the way he looks at her.  Creepy Creeperson!

"Perchance to dream"?  Does the author throw those lines in as an inside joke or something?  A line from hamlet in the middle of a Red Room convo after sex.  Strange. 
Rolling my eyes (oops Christian doesn't like that) Whatever!
Go Flog yourself Christian.

Christian - Future Wife Beater

Every time Christian comments on her beautiful skin I can't help but to think of Silence of the Lambs and the Skin suit.  Ew Ew Ew!!

I know the author is British and the character Ana is a fan of British Literature but... "prevailed upon". Come on who speaks like that anymore? Maybe the Royal family I guess. 

Talk about emotional roller coaster. More like emotional rocket ride. Blast off... then the engine fails.  Then it starts up again... just to fail again. Ugh! I catch myself thinking aww that was sweet of Christian, then he says something completely vulgar. ugh buzz kill.  
Then he does something and I think aww see he has a heart, well I guess a heart of steel more like it. 
Come on I think he does love her, oh no wait he just wants to F*** her brains out. How romantic.

Wow King Stalker this guy.

Well that was gross. Period sex...eek!

Okay so he was a crack baby, or his mom was a crack whore. I still don't really feel sorry for him.

Oh no she's asking for the full throttle in the Red Room. Don't do it! 

I told you so! Dummy

Finally Ana tells him off! Leave him girl, you better leave his crazy ass! 

I don't like the fact that I didn't want Ana to be with Christian. Why am I reading this if I'm hoping for the couple to break up?  Depressing. 



Things I did like.

Taylor - So loyal
Kate - Ana should have listened to Kate!
Grace - Christian's mother

I love their email exchanges when Ana is in Georgia.

I love Ana's Dad Ray. I adore her Mother Carla!

Oh well if you can't guess by now I didn't enjoy the book.  Thankfully I convinced my cousin to just give me a synopsis of the rest of the books so I don't have to waste my time reading them. No big deal. Good for what it is, 80% humping, 10% Submissive contracts and negotiations, 10% story.